Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
