yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
