woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
