Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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