your room smells of hookers.
And success
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
