Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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