Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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