walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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