yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
