I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I just found puke in my bra..
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize