you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
