my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
