Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
