You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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