i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
