we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
