My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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