i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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