just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
