This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
