Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
