Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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