i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
