dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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