I just saw a hot homeless man
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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