thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
