I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
