somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
