She's JV to your varsity
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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