just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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