Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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