I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
