Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
