Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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