she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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