Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize