I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
