god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
ugly people sure do ruin things
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
