I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I am one with the molecules
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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