The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize