I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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