You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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