Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
