I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I pour the whiskey from now on
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
