I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
