Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
