so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
