My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
