Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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