In the future we'll all be gay
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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