I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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