Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
