My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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