God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize