i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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