The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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