My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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