Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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