with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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