Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
