someone owes me an orgasm
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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