I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
