i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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