Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
