I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
