God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
