He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
