remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
