At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
