my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
