hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
