Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
